On radical rejection of motherhood

Growing up, getting married, and having few rug rats may seem like the ideal dream for women. This dream, however, does not apply to all.

For the past few months, coronavirus crisis has been left me with some more time to think, on some arbitrary issues like what to eat today; should I take a shower or not; have I flossed yet today; what am I stressed about, and how important is it, really; and what do I know for sure is true?

But in other times I would think about some significant issues like how coronavirus is driving domestic violence: as the COVID-19 pandemic rages on, reports of domestic violence are increasing around the world. With one-third women nationally and globally experiencing violence over their life time, our world was already facing a crisis.

Now, COVID-19 is exacerbating the problem. Yet, the House of representatives has officially dropped the long-awaited sexual violence bill (RUU PKS) from priority list, despite calls from women’s rights activists to pass the bill.

Other important thing to think about is how the government has failed us in responding the pandemic due to lack of testing, mixed messages and promotion of bogus cures.

And in other hand, the government must braces for recession due to millions to lose jobs and fall into poverty amid coronavirus crisis.

Or, how pandemic-fuelled baby boom is really happening now in Indonesia, with approximately 400,000 more births than usual as lockdown keep couples at home and cut access to contraceptives, prompting fears of increase in abortions.

But the latest fact has struck me with questions inside my head:

Why do some women choose to have children, while others don’t? Is there any point in having children? Is it worth the effort?

For centuries, female identity has been wrapped in motherhood and classical tales affirm similar believe. Women without children were portrayed in a negative light and cast aside as simply unwilling or unable to fulfill their maternal life.

Until 1940s, a new wave of feminism playing a vital role in the childless movement.

It was Simone de Beauvoir, who wrote The Second Sex published in 1943, emphasises the routine and repetitive nature of motherhood as suppressing human autonomy. She has often been read as recommending a life without children.

She suggests that when mothers are condemned to a life of a mundane domestic tasks, this is caused by the social system, not by the human condition itself.

The problem that has no name

Betty Freidan, a feminist writer and activist, who wrote The Feminine Mystique in 1963 and broke new ground of feminism by exploring the idea of women finding personal fulfilment.

She noted the unhappiness of many housewives who were trying to fit the feminine mystique — which pressuring girls to marry young and fit into the fabricated feminine image — and she called it as “the problem that has no name”.

Over and over women heard voices of tradition and of Freudian sophistication that they could desire no greater destiny than to glory in their own femininity

According to her, the so-called feminine image benefited advertisers and big corps far more than it helped families and children, let alone the women who playing the “role”. Women, just like any other human beings, naturally wanted to make the most of their potential.

When women ignored their potential, the result was not just and inefficient society but also widespread unhappiness, including depression and suicide. These, among other symptoms, were serious effects caused by the problem that had no name.

Ellen Peck in her book The Baby Trap published in 1971 believed that having kids is big bussiness to capitalist society. Having babies keeps you spending money on them and they’ll grow up to be spenders too.

She also introduced that a childless lifestyle was the key to keep marriage filled with excitement and sensual adventure.

Since then, “childfree” became the new term and that some of the self-described childfree are not “free” of children at all, but by choice.

If childlessness among women in the past was often due to poverty, illness, infertility, poor nutrition and low marriage rates, the current childless-by-choice trend involving healthy, educated, sexually active and often coupled women.

And somehow, the existence of childless individuals helps us to imagine dramatic answers to the persistent problems of human suffering and limited resources.

A woman of her own rights

Childfree known as an explicit recognition that women don’t want to be viewed as lacking some necessary component of life, instead they should be free to live as they wish and pursue their own goals.

Some women, including me, saw motherhood as “a sacrifice, a burden, a duty”.

However, childless movement can’t simply attributed to merely feminism. There are also several other philosophies have influenced the movement: contraceptive improvement, rights to reproductive choice, environmentalism, zero population growth, LGBT rights, and pursuit of personal freedom.

Margaret Avison and Adrian Furnham found that having no religious affiliation and more pragmatic about love are consistent predictors to childlessness.

Compared to parents or those desiring children, childfree respondents scored significantly higher in Independence and significantly lower in Agreeableness and Extraversion. They were also less religious and more politically liberal.

Childless women not only reject traditional ideologies that suggest women should mother, but also reject argument about the benefit of mothering.

While I, in my defence, choose to be childless because I believe I’m not going to be a good parent.

Though I know I’ll miss out on a lot: the miracle of childbirth (though, to be honest I don’t feel so bad about skipping that one), or the idea that my kid will be smarter or better looking than I ever was.

Women need the freedom and the opportunity to pursue their own lives beyond being a wife and mother, and in a lot of countries they don’t have that.

The traditionalist may viewed us as self indulgent and neurotic, also accused of selfishness and race suicide. But Paul Dolan, a professor of behavioural science argued that women who are unmarried and childless are the happiest subgroup of the population as a whole.

He believes traditional symbol of success, be it marriage or having children, did not necessarily correlate with happiness level.

He also argues that women’s health mainly at higher risk of physical and mental conditions than single peers and having children can be harmful to a woman’s well being.

Is it ethical to have children?

The argument against bearing children due to the unhappiness of human existence explains how childlessness might benefit the greater good. Also, the argument that childlessness benefit for slowing population growth due to limitations on the world’s resources.

In a broad, global context, having children may itself be considered a selfish choice, given the effect on climate change and the fact that there are many children already alive around the globe who would benefit greatly from being adopted.

Moreover, people often choose to have children because they think this will make them feel better about their lives, provide added meaning, confirm their social status as successful adults, and provide aid and comfort in the long term.

Yet, not having children isn’t a simple solution to climate change, poverty, inequality, or existential suffering.

‘Why have children?’

I genuinely struggle to answer this question for myself despite living a rather privileged life as a journalist.

How green are the childless by choice?

Talking about whether or not to have a child, environmental concerns might break down in many ways: concern about overpopulation and that a child will cause environmental damage and use resources and worsen climate change; also, concern about bringing a child into a polluted and crowded world that’s going to be a less pleasant place to live. There’s guilt aspect also.

I do think that we really messed up this planet and I feel guilty bringing a child into this place.

Can you imagine that the world population doubling from 2.5 to 5 billion in just 37 years, from 1950 to 1987? It means that the population doubled within a little more than one generation.

It’s ridiculous how we’ve been able to double the population in such a short time. And with current population that reached 7 billion, I don’t think the world will contain another population bubble.

I think it’s in everyone’s best interest if we find a way to plateau our population so that we have a good quality of life.

On abortion

I’m fully aware that being a childless woman one must fully understand her rights on reproduction and reproductive health.

To put it very clearly, WHO defines reproductive rights as follows:

Reproductive rights rest on the recognition of the basic right of all couple and individuals to decide freely and responsibly the number, spacing and timing of their children and to have the information and means to do so, and the right to attain the highest standard of sexual and reproductive health. They also includ the right of all to make decisions concerning reproductive free of discrimination, coercion and violence.

The right to birth control, good-quality reproductive health care and freedom from coerced sterilization and contraception, are among reproduction rights women have.

One thing that is no less important is, the right to legal and safe abortion.

Yet, according to a study by WHO and Guttmacher Institute, 25 million unsafe abortion — or 45% of all abortions — occured every year between 2010 and 2014 worldwide. 97% unsafe abortions occured in developing countries in Africa, Latin America and Asia, including Indonesia.

Like their counterparts in many developing countries where abortion is stigmatized and highly restricted, Indonesian women often seek clandestine procedures performed by untrained providers, and resort to methods that including ingesting unsafe substance and undergoing harmful abortive massage.

Based on Indonesia’s Reproductive Health Law, while abortion is mostly illegal, there are two exceptions. Abortion can be performed in the case of a pregnancy which arises from a rape, or if the pregnancy is not medically viable or threatens the health of the pregnant woman.

But what if due to contraceptive failure, and we dont want to be a mother, is ok to abort the pregnancy?

Because you know any pregnancy — if not wanting to have one — cause permanent emotional to a child, never mind that you have neither the skills nor the means to raise one properly. Abortion seems the only rational one, to your mind, to make.

What a woman do with their body should not be up for debate in 2020.

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This essay was first published on Aug 17, 2020 via Medium